When You Feel Like You Should Be Further Along In Your Motherhood Journey
Feeling Like I Should Be Further Along & Avoiding The Trap of Comparison
This article was inspired by a post by
of . The title of the article is "I should be fine by now" and other lies depression has told me. It struck a chord with me before I even read it. Although not linked entirely to depression I could relate to the disappointment of feeling like I should be further along now (whatever that means).“I should be further along by now.”
Let’s go back to a few months ago. At this point, my daughter is closer to one year than six months. She slept through the night and I was overjoyed, believing that this was an upward journey and the beginning of night to dawn sleep throughs.
A false start. More long nights. More exhaustion. More tears.
And there would be many more of these.
Or was it the week when it seemed like nap times were finally going three hours straight without my intervention? Then before I knew it we were back to having to go in regularly to rock back to sleep or just sitting in the bed to avoid going back and forth. Having a small glimpse of what looked like me-time for two to three hours and having that reversed wasn’t great. Hearing how other mothers do so much during naptime didn’t help either, especially as I had experienced this naptime freedom before, first time around. I know she’s a velcro baby but I’m not a fan of contact naps and I don’t believe I have to be.
It’s been 11 months and…I should be further along now.
Why am I still bursting into tears from exhaustion in the middle of the night? I should be past this by now. I shouldn’t be exhausted day and night. I should be further along by now. Things should be much easier. Or so I think.
The journey of early motherhood has been vastly different for both my children. I love neither less nor more than the other. I have just learned different lessons the second time around. The first time, the newborn phase was the hardest. It was all so new to me and I floundered a lot. I enjoyed motherhood to an older baby more. The toddler years are pretty cool and I understand that I feel this way because I am not the default parent for my son, my husband is. So I am heavily supported in that area. My husband on the other hand may see things differently. The second time it has been quite the opposite. I am the default parent with minimal support and a different baby, which would seem obvious because siblings are always different, but placed on the backdrop of my first experience and the support I had then, this time it’s been very jarring. This has pretty much rocked my world in every way.
Needless to say, with my first experience it got easier as time progressed. I was sleeping through the night much earlier in infanthood and the tears from exhaustion didn’t continue past the fourth trimester. Progression was predictable. It took me a while but I eventually stopped clinging to what I thought and hoped would be and took a long, good look at what is, and I decided to share some of my thoughts.
“But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”
No two seasons will ever be the same.
I was doing myself a disservice by comparing my seasons of early motherhood. No two seasons in life are the same. Comparing your seasons by holding onto the past or dwelling on what a future season could look like will not help you in your current season. How many times have I typed the word ‘season’ now? I digress. It is better to focus on the reality staring you in the face and sticking its tongue out at you. To accept it, live it and find the diamond in its rough.
Release your expectations
If I put my expectations in the behaviour of an unpredictable infant changing, just because, I will most likely be sorely disappointed. Even predictable children can be unpredictable. Ideally, my expectations should be in God. In the fact that He is good to me…always. He is with me always and gives me His best, regardless of how hard my current situation is.
See the good in your current reality
It’s easy for the brain to dwell on the negatives and magnify them so much that you forget the negatives in the past season you’re comparing to, while missing all the positives of your current reality. It may seem like your past season was better but it wasn’t perfect. No season is challenge-free. It probably had some challenges that you’re no longer facing now. Maybe we can be grateful for that as well.
What you focus on magnifies.
Nowadays before I go to bed, I release my expectations. I pray daily for better sleep for both of us and then ask God to strengthen me whichever way the night (and day) goes.
You are where you are because God has placed you there. He knew the obstacles and everything else that would come your way. ‘Further along’ is where you are right now. You are right where you are supposed to be.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
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Thank you for the mention and I hope you know you are not alone. I feel like this feeling of being behind everyone else probably developed around the time I started building the placenta three years ago. Sending you love.
Thank you!! Sending you love right back. Thank you for being vulnerable in your writings so we know we’re not alone.❤️