Doing The Inner Work + I’m Back On YouTube + Raw & Uncut Session

Woman’s life battery on 1%

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? YOU’RE NOT THE ONE EATING RIGHT NOW!” I shouted at my two years and some old son. He looked up at me and I could see the genuine surprise and confusion in his eyes. He clearly wasn’t sure why I was upset and to be fair, his confusion wasn’t misplaced. His Dad came out of the kitchen and swiftly carried him out of the Montessori tower, as I was carrying his 13-month-old sister. He sat quietly on the floor with a downcast expression and played with a toy as I struggled to put his sister back in the tower to continue to eat.

I glanced at him and my heart broke. There was no need for me to raise my voice at him.

The Montessori tower seat is adjustable for a child to sit or stand. Depending on their mood, the kids sit or stand to eat. My daughter was getting fussy sitting so I carried her out, and holding her mid-air with one hand, I used the other hand to take the seat out and put it back closer to the floor. This usually takes a toll on my already worn-out back (but I never call my husband to help, for some reason). I didn’t want to drop her either because I knew she would scurry off. My son saw this and probably thought I was done feeding my daughter and the seat had been adjusted for him to climb in to eat. After all, it was dinner time and he was hungry. He had just gotten back from school about 30 minutes ago. So while I was still carrying my daughter one-handed, mid-air, he quickly climbed in and I lost it. I was already in a foul mood because I was exhausted and it had been a long day with my daughter so I wasn’t my usual perky welcoming self I like to meet him with when he gets back from school.

I had noticed him watching me while I was making dinner and I realised my attentive toddler had been taking a note of my mood. I looked at him playing quietly and sighed. I usually apologise and give him a kiss if I shout at him out of turn but I realised I just needed to do better. He’s not an infant anymore, oblivious to moods and temperaments who would probably laugh in my face if I was upset. He is beginning to absorb and internalise things, even if for a short time. I don’t want my kids walking around on eggshells because mummy is in a mood or constantly bearing the brunt of my exhaustion. I don’t need to be perfect, but I can do better.

Almost every morning, I pray…”God, help me to be more patient with my children.” But what I’m really hoping for is… “God, may they do fewer things to test my patience.” But how do you know you’re becoming more patient if your patience isn’t tested?

A supported mother is a better mother.

Even if her support is minimal and mostly from within. I know my triggers and I know that most times, I slip into a foul mood when I haven’t rested or eaten(even when I had the chance) and when I am mentally trying to control things and stretching myself thin. I had worked on my comeback YouTube video till 1 am the morning of and over-exerted myself physically leaving me more sleep-deprived than normal and with a lot of pain in my body. I was getting slightly exasperated at my personal financial forecast, instead of resting and trusting God who has always provided. And as I wrote earlier, I had a long day with my daughter. All of this left me drained and depleted, the lack of sleep more than most (No more 1 am stints that for sure, this mama needs her sleep). My son bore the brunt that day and will keep bearing it if I don’t support myself better by taking a step back when I sense that I’m about to cross the boundary of the right amount of sanity I need, to be the mother my children need.

Being a mother is a constant reminder of the sacrifice of living not just for myself but for tiny little humans who rely on me and my husband…for pretty much everything. It is a reminder to do the inner work and be accountable to myself and God who gave me these gifts so I can be a good steward. It is a reminder to trust the Lord in the areas (which are many) I have no control over. Even if you’re not a mother, but a Christian, this applies to you also.

We ended the day dancing to Head Shoulder Knees and Toes and all the other songs on the MotherGoose Club playlist that he so enjoys, with excited squeals and laughter, face alight, the incident long forgiven and forgotten. It is my prayer that there are fewer incidents to be forgotten in the future, but in my human frailty, I know this may not be the case. All I can do is keep striving to do better and place the hearts of my children in hands of God.

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Raw & Uncut Sessions

Raw & Uncut Sessions are a flow of spontaneous songs from me, recorded with my phone via voice notes, literally raw and uncut. I am also a singer-songwriter and have decided to pull more things from my creative headspace for this publication. Will you sing along with me?

Forgive my early morning voice and soft singing to avoid waking up the household. ;-)

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I’m back on YOUTUBE!!

I started posting on YouTube a little over a year ago when my family and I moved countries based on God’s instruction. Becoming a mum of two under two at the time knocked the wind out of me and I had to take a break. I never thought this day would come but I’m glad it did and I hope I can remain faithful.

Please watch, subscribe, comment, like, share…take your pick or do all of them. Thank you for your support as I restart this journey.

I'M BACK ON YOUTUBE!! | Finding Community In Brazil I A Year Later | Shopping in Republica

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