From Surviving The First Year To Enjoying The Next Years by Nuella Orizu | New Weekly Video on Youtube
My first Guest Blog Post! + Weekly Youtube talking about Grief & Loss
Nuella is a member of the New Mums Room online community. She is a lover of God and travel. She currently lives in Ireland with her husband and two children.
Here’s the story of how I went from surviving the first year to enjoying the next year(s). It’s ironic that I even have to write this now because with my youngest officially 16 months old, I am only starting to come up for air after the infamous ‘first year’. However having done this one time before, I can say it was easier this time around. In my hometown in the eastern part of Nigeria, there is a saying that loosely translates to the following: ‘It is when you wake up, that is your morning’. The first time around, as a new mum with no real reference point or experience about how this should look, my ‘morning’ came quite late. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of worry, guilt, and the unrealistic desire for every task to go exactly as I had planned. Of course that didn’t go very well, because that left me consumed by motherhood, tired, and perpetually anxious.
In addition to this, when you live abroad, you are thousands of miles away from your entire support system. You have to learn a different way of living that is underpinned by individualism. In my situation, coupled with the fact that I had my first baby during COVID when people were even more isolated, to the point that my husband was asked to wait downstairs until I was in active labour. Active labour came FAST though (actually my daughter practically flew out, but I will save the labour and delivery story for another post!). Altogether, this is the reality of emigrating whilst navigating parenthood. As I look back on the journey with my first, I look at myself and all the mothers I see around me with a lot of grace. That was Act 1, Scene 1, and the ending of that scene is GRACE.
Now, Cue Baby Number 2.
There’s something about the second baby that removed a lot of the anxiety of motherhood completely for me. Perhaps it’s just my journey or a part of it is the natural process of simply knowing what to expect/being more sure of the process. But what I can talk about with certainty, is some of the reasons why the journey has looked a little more pleasant the second time around. I’m hoping this can help a new mum out there to give themselves the grace I wish I gave myself in Year 1 of Baby No. 1. Let’s break it down into 3 realisations that took me from ‘surviving’ motherhood to ‘enjoying’ motherhood:
From Surviving …to Enjoying Motherhood
PERFECTIONISM is not the calling of Motherhood. Love is. That’s it. I can truly tell you that I owe about 50% of my being way more relaxed now, to the understanding that a skipped nap, a meal that didn’t go so well, or a fall when the baby is learning to walk, is simply not the end of the world. What matters is a mother who is there to provide comfort, love and a chance to try again. Your baby is entirely satisfied with your presence. Realising this changed everything for me, and I hope a new mum reading this would find some ease and comfort in being reminded of this too.
You have to put the oxygen mask on first. A tired, unrested and uncared for mother is less able to provide the care her baby needs. I learned that I should not feel any guilt about taking care of myself, even if it takes having someone watch the baby for 1 hour. For me, simple things like a walk, a coffee out by myself, or a date night with my husband can change the course of the day or week. To care for others, we should be well, healthy and whole.
Spiritual, emotional and physical support makes all the difference for a new mum, and these things need COMMUNITY to be sustained. A major lesson for me was that we cannot sustain the demands of motherhood and wifehood in isolation. And more importantly, we cannot sustain it without drawing strength from God and fellowship with other believers. Piece by piece, you must build the community around you, of new mothers, mentors, friends and experienced mothers through church, local support and online communities.
For me, concerning the last point, this is why I believe that communities like New Mums Room are essential for mothers. When I first heard about NMR, my youngest was 6 months old and I jumped at the opportunity to connect with other mums during the postpartum blur. That first call filled the exact void I thought it would. Being able to talk with mums who could understand, in a judgement-free zone, was everything.
In this week’s video, I speak about grief and loss and I share a special message at the end!
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